Fellowship of the Fur Homepage

One Bear to rule them all, one bear to find them.
Two bears to bring them all and in this website bind them.

Our Cast: Sundance as The Ringpull Bearer, Gaffa as His Ever Faithful & Not Too Bright Companion, Ambrose as The Cunning Wizard with his Stout. (Err but shouldn't that be stout staff? I know what I said.) Jools and Thatch as Merry and Poptop . Food? Drinks? Did I hear some one mention drinks? The story begins as they often do back in the mists of time. A thought passed through Thatch and Jools' brain. "Lets Piss Off " they thought. "Where should we go?" came the very next thought quite rapidly after the first, for them. Hmmm The Shetlands are about as far as we can go without coming back the other side where we can still find a bar with a band. Let's go there. Finding a bar with a band is harder than we reckoned, but that's another story.

Thus was formed the Fellowship. To boldly go where no bears had gone before ... actually they had been to the Orkneys about three year ago ... now read on.

2003/09/20

Arrived at Heathrow at six in the morning after the usual brain and bum numbing plane flight. We flew British Airlines this time and if you overlook the fundamental discomfort of being squashed in a box for 24 hours, then they made it as pleasant an experience as one could hope for.

We've landed; after the usual beauracratic shuffle we picked up the rental car and headed off into a crisp English morning. The reason that there aren't any photo's of this bit are because: a) We are on the M25 that looks like every other freeway in the world and b) The British Tourist Office had organised a fog. No not a pea souper but a fog nonetheless. Pictures of fog aren't that interesting.

What!!! You want to see one any way? Ok, reach out in front of you. Turn off the monitor. Wait ... Wait ... Ok, turn the monitor back on. Impressive wasn't it? What's that? You couldn't see anything? C'mon it was a fog, not Disneyland. You aren't supposed to see anything. Enough of the fog.

On we go up the M25 towards Luton. Drive into Luton through the magic roundabout school of traffic management. A few lefts, a few rights and you guessed it, we (and by we, I mean I) can't find the street. Drag out the mobile. Ring, ring. ‘Hi Keith, we're here. Where are you? Hmm I see, yep, I can see the park. Oh, that's you over there on the other side. Missed it by one street. Bugger,’

Keith and Phil (you may remember them from the Pub Tour of York on the last trip) have kindly offered to put us up. So after a leisurely brunch and shower, Phil has decided to take us on a quick tour of the region.

First we head for Whipsnade Tree Cathedral. This is a National Trust garden with different species of tree forming the outline of different parts of a church. Walking through groves and avenues of oak, ash, beech and pine (which on a warm afternoon smelt wonderful) among others, it all works. Complete with some people conducting a baptism in a birch grove. Just another of those quirky little places stashed in the English countryside.

Dunstable Downs: Kites, gliders and an ice-cream. You really had to be there. Kids and adults flying kites from the top of a hill overlooking a valley to more hills beyond. These are the Dunstable Downs. Called Downs because there is an awful lot of that. At the bottom of this really steep hill is a gliding club with enough air traffic to make Heathrow look like it was having a slow day. We had an ice-cream that melted in the afternoon sun. The person who invented soft ice-cream cones, DIDN'T have a beard. After that someone mentioned drinks ...

Bulbourne: It was the Grand Junction Hotel on the Grand Union Canal, doesn't that sound just so cool? In nearly every episode of Inspector Morse, Morse and Lewis end up in a pub sitting beside some stream or canal, relaxing over a pint of the local's finest. So you get the idea, well this was our turn. The pub was tiny, the lawn out the back was next to the Grand Union Canal and the narrow boats travelling up and down it were really cute. The local's finest wasn't bad either. All in all, a very nice afternoon.

Back to Luton for Italian. Chicken breast in a Marsala sauce with a hoppy beer (Phil reckons that this sounds like an American TV game show host... Here's Hoppy Beer) from Italy to wash it down. Yum.

Back to our beds to collapse.

2003/09/21

I won’t bore you with the details of our wonderful breakfast that on this occasion Phil cooked, except to say IT WAS WONDERFUL. We're back and I can feel my arteries complaining about the workload already.

This moment in time is being brought to you courtesy of British Rail. Jools and I are on our way to London to be picked up for a tour that will take us once again to Stonehenge. Along the way we'll be hunting antiquities and crop circles. More on this later.

The train trip took us through villages and countryside and villages and countryside … They really have ‘picturesque’ down cold, even if every so often you get a waste transfer station and a concrete shopping mall. The good bits far outweigh the bad.

We have to change trains at West Hampstead to catch the Underground to Green Park. This brings us out near Buckingham Palace and then we stroledl around to Victoria Station. Now I probably don’t have to tell that we are not big fan of the monarchy, I mean, getting to rule a country just because you managed to pick the right grandparents, strikes me as a ludicrous idea (maybe I feel this way because I picked the wrong grandparents and ended up with a hairline that is going south faster than snow geese on the Concorde ... but I digress). Seeing this stuff in context makes a lot more "sense"; if you must have a monarchy then they should have the proper looking backdrops to do it with.

We were picked up from Victoria Station in central London by Astral Tours (http://www.astraltours.co.uk/). We had booked a special access tour of Stonehenge. Our guide (Hi Louise) informed us that it would take us about 90 minutes to get out of London because the average speed in London today is the same as it was one hundred years ago. 11MPH. She wasn't kidding.

Drove down the M4, off at Junction 14 and there you are taking in scenery instead of motorway. Hooray. We motored through the village of Hungerford (write that down Karen, this next bit is for you). Hungerford is an old coaching station. When the horse and coach trade dried up they looked around for something to do. Grot shops, came the answer. For the uninitiated a Grot Shop is the name given to antique shops by the people of Yorkshire. This information brought to you by Phil. This village has more antique shops than any other place in England.

First stop is the West Kennet Long Barrow & Silbury Hill. These were covered in our previous adventure (http://www.pretentia.com/celticadventure) so there isn't much to add except to say that England is looking dry. There hasn't been any real rain for nearly 2 months and there are large patches of distinctly Australian looking brown bits. For a country where you can count on some rain on a daily basis to be in this position is foreign. The further south we travelled the greener it go though.

On to Avebury. Ok folks here is a tip; don’t go to Avebury on September 21st. Why, I hear you ask. Well it is the equinox and the place is crowded with druids, travellers, hippies as well as the usual (and prolific) common or garden variety tourist. For the people up the back who just came in, Avebury is a village built inside a large (20 odd acres) stone circle (If you want any more concrete info, type Avebury Stone Circle into Google and enjoy).

We strolled around the village playing with Dowsing Rods inside the circle. Dowsing is the practice of using willow twigs originally to locate things hidden in the earth. These days they use bent coathangers but the result is the same. The great stone circles and other places of power are built along lines of energy called Ley Lines. These can be traced using the rods. We then gave equal time to the old Norman church. It had a really well preserved rood screen; the wooden screen between the alter and the punters. The screen is covered with carvings of grape vines and what I reckon are wheat stalks. If you ever get a chance, have a look.

Back on the bus our next stop was the Alton Barnes White Horse, one of many in the area. This one dates back to the 1800's commemorating the defeat of Napoleon in Russia. Our guide Louise also mentioned that as a Millennium Project some people decided to carve a white horse into the chalk hills somewhere, but when finished the perspective was all wrong and it came out looking like the Millennium Rat. She forgot to tell us where it was located, and we forgot to ask.

And then there is Stonehenge. Let’s just let me say that in three years the place has lost none of its power to inspire awe. There are bigger and possibly older stone circles but this one really does stop you in your tracks. Here comes the unpaid advert. Pay the money and get on one of the special access tours. You have to stand next to these stones for the magic to work. Trust Me!!! Back home to Luton on the train again; where we collapse ... again.

2003/09/22

Today is a bit of a maintenance day. Doing emails, confirming appointments in Edinburgh. Uploading files. In a couple of hours we shall bid Luton goodbye and head up to the Yorkshire moors and find a B&B somewhere and do a bit of research.

The bank have confirmed our appointment for 10am on Wednesday morning so we should be on the ferry for the Shetlands on Wednesday evening. WooHoo.

{Time passes}

Ahh yes, let us now discuss our contribution to archaeological finds for posterity. Somewhere out there on the Salisbury plains. (and probably not too far from Stonehenge) somewhere in the future, Nigel the archaeologist extraordinaire will bend down and pickup a small brass and black artifact from the past, little knowing that in his hand he now holds the answer to a question that was posed back here in our time. The question ... WHERE THE #?&% ARE THE CAR KEYS?

Yes folks today we have had the vista widening experience of the Call Centre. Actually it hasn't been too painful apart from losing a day and costing probably one hundred pounds plus. Polite, helpful people who insisted on asking for the reference number (locked in the car), or asking if we could drive the car to the Service Point? (Ahh that would require the keys, that we have lost). With that they pass you through to the next person in the chain who asks roughly the same questions (got the reference number? Yes we do, it's locked in the car where it's safe).

Eventually we get to the person who's job is to find us a new car. Yep, they don't keep spare keys just spare cars. I won't go through the next few hours involving RAC, the (Aspley) Guise Vehicle Recovery Trucks, Hertz at Luton Airport and a cast of thousands and let's not forget Phil who came with us to show us the way back from Luton Airport while Keith stayed home and cooked dinner.

So after having signed away someone else's first born (sorry 'bout that Seona) and dealing with all the debris, we have thrown ourselves on the kindness of friends who are managing to hide their disappointment at not being shot of us. Keith has cooked a great dinner (Note, this is not a good way to make us leave). We are ready to leave tomorrow and head straight up to Edinburgh.

Good night and we are off to bed once again to collapse.

2003/09/23

Well there is nothing like a good night's sleep to give you a bit of perspective. I notice that in yesterday's missive that I forgot to mention that it was pelting (you thought I was going to use the other P word didn't you?) down with rain. Evidently there were minor floods in London. Icing on the cake really.

This moment is being bought to you by the M1 (THE NORTH), which is what we are motoring along.

My mum asked me to go and have a look at a place called Aspley Guise. It appears that my grandmother's people came from the area, so she was interested in getting a few photo's of it. The main clue we had was a reference to The Church of St Botolph (I am not making this up). Well we found it, the village is just so cute (I have a theory that says that England is just a huge film set) and the church is still there and in use (choir practice was in progress while we were there). Across the road from the church is an old graveyard and we found a head stone with the family name on it. We had discovered a relative who hadn't made it onto the tree yet. So picture this. Thatch is standing in an English country village graveyard taking photo's with a digital camera and talking on a mobile phone to his Mum 11000 km away, reading off the details from the headstone. Isn't this a great time?

Back on the motorway and this is the horror bit, we have to get to Edinburgh up the motorway. One of the more entertaining bits of the motorways are the roadside service areas. These places sell petrol, food, Star Wars DVD's, mobile phones, car accessories and all sorts of other bits and pieces. Anyway about every two paragraphs insert a coffee break at one of these places.

We finally ran out of motorway and stopped in a little town called Wetherby, they are having a music festival the week after we leave for Australia. Typical.

We have made it to Scotland. (YAAAY usual Kermit like flailing of arms)

We crossed into Scotland on the A68 at a place called Camber Bar. The view is just fantastic in the early evening sun. I think I mentioned how good they were at picturesque. The area is called the Cheviot Hills. Pretty spiffy.

Onward to Edinburgh, Actually we must mention the bridge over the River Tweed. There is a nice shiny new bridge that you drive across and next to it is one off those wonderful red brick, tall slender arch topped rail bridges with a river at the bottom. They have the best bridges in Scotland.

{Time passes}

We have just been to a bunch of hotels in Edinburgh and people who obviously thought we looked homeless and did their best to keep us that way informed us that Edinburgh is full. Undeterred, we drove out to South Queensferry in the hope of finding a bed.

We are now comfortably ensconced in the bar of Hawes Inn. A hotel that is right below the Firth of Forth rail bridge (no we haven't gone train spotter on you, it's more a case of bridge spotter). The staff are wonderful, we have a room that feels about as big as our flat and they have Blackthorn Cider on tap and the smells from the kitchen are very very tempting. We are staying ... forever or until we run out of money, which ever comes first.

As the Blackthorns and food kicks in, I think it's time to say goodnight and waddle upstairs and collapse.

2003/09/24

Edinburgh. Today is 'meeting with the bank day'. Some of you may not be aware that this is actually a business trip. Stop laughing, I'm serious. Yes I know it hasn't sounded like that so far (Stop laughing) but it really is.

I'll wait for you to regain your composure and STOP LAUGHING

{Time passes}

As I was saying this IS a business trip.so that we can start up PRETENTIA.CO.UK (World domination here we come).

I caught the train into Edinburgh for my 10 o'clock with Ian from The Royal Bank of Scotland (stop giggling). Ian drew the short straw and had to explain to us the ins and outs of banking in Scotland. So after taking Ian through the "business plan" the really really good news is that we can do it. Ian also explained that we could have a Scottish company as opposed to an English one and suggested that we contact a companies agent and they could go through that with us. Next stop the companies agent and a really helpful gent called Alistair. We were on a roll today. We can have the company set up in a couple of days and Alistair can solve a few other technical issues for us. World domination is a step closer ... fun isn't it? Now all we have to do is find out if our market is where we left it. Jools has spent the morning back at the hotel wrangling code and checking out the sights of Queensferry.

We have booked the ferry to the Shetlands and we leave 5 o'clock tomorrow from Aberdeen which means we might be able to spend a few more hours around here or in Edinburgh or wander up along the coast. We can decide in the morning.

We have been to South Queensferry on both of the previous trips but this is the first time we have been able to have a look around. It is another on of these picturesque places (they obviously bought them as a job lot). The cobble stoned main street is a ripper. There will be pictures over in the pictures section.

Jools and I roamed around the town and the harbour for a couple of hours and then went back to the pub for dinner. As a sign of the times, the restaurant the we have been to on the previous trips, the Seal Craig has closed ... bother. But the food at the Hawes Inn is great (arteries are getting used to the increasing workload).

After some more Blackthorns and dessert it was back up to the room to try and see how the business plan was coping with all these new costs and then as usual, to collapse.

2003/09/25

Left South Queensferry and started heading North again across the Forth Road Bridge, paid our 80p toll (amazing how relaxed you are while on holidays (sorry, on a business trip,) back home we would have moved heaven and hell to avoid a toll) and stopped at North Queensferry. There we jumped on a train and went across the bridge and back again. What a view. All the way to Edinburgh in one direction and halfway to Glasgow the other way, and a bloody long way down. Absolutely awesome.

The coast road has won so we will be going along the Angus Coastal Trail

It's heart attack time again. We have just filled up the tank with petrol. £37 for 48 litres to travel 455 miles. I'd forgotten about this ... and guess what? We'll have another heart attack at home when the Visa bill comes in and translates it to Oz dollars. Lucky this is a business trip.

Along the coast road through Arboath, Montrose and Stonehaven. Stonehaven is near Dunotter castle, there are some pictures of the castle on the last trip website. There is a cliff overlooking Stonehaven and when you look down at the harbour it looks like a Lilliput Lane collection.

Onwards to Aberdeen and some more of the spiffy brick bridges. I think that these were the 18th & 19th century answer to Stonehenge and the like. 3500 years ago it was stone circles, two hundred to three hundred years ago it was bridges. Fashion!

We have arrived in Aberdeen and the car is now sealed up in the bowels of the ferry to Lerwick (as are our numerous battery chargers; who would have thought we would have not one, but two power points in our cabin.) Up on the boat deck taking photos as we take our leave of Aberdeen. We only overnighted in Aberdeen last time we visited in 2000, and this time we were in town for less than 3 hours but I think we will have to come back and have another look. Travelling along the coast (on the ferry this time) it looks to be a big town.

Time to investigate the closet we have been assigned as a cabin. It has everything in it, beds, ensuite shower & toilet, a phone (no data) and while you can fit ,but you wouldn't want to be a claustrophobe.

The ferry has a small theatre and 3 sessions of movies (Piglets Big Day and Terminator 3 ) and has a healthy number of bars but I think that it has been a long enough day and it is time once again to collapse.

I think it's about midnight and we are docked at Kirkwall in the Orkneys and they are unloading some trucks and containers. We should be on our way again soon. No pictures because it's pitch black out there. Back to sleep

2003/09/26

The Ferry to Lerwick has just docked. It's 6 in the morning and the voice from the roof has informed us of this very fact, very loudly. Now that we are awake, there is time for a hot shower before heading upstairs to the boat deck, out into the 4 degree morning to take photos of Lerwick as the ferry reaches our destination. After freezing our bums off we find lots of hot (and surprisingly good) coffee.

If Northlink Ferries were running an airline we would have just travelled business class at a baggage class rate. We both slept surprisingly well; there is probably something to being rocked to sleep by the waves story. We were told to expect gale force winds overnight. There may well have been but I slept through them. I think I could get used to this as a way to travel.

Ooh ooh and if the trams ran this well ... check it out. We left Aberdeen at 5:00pm and arrived at Lerwick at 6:00am exactly on time. Are you listening Mr Bracks??? It cost us £212 for the car and the twin berth cabin, not bad value. If you want to see where the ferry took us check out http://www.northlinkferries.co.uk and there is a map somewhere on the site. We travelled on the M.V. Hrossey.

Lerwick is the main town on the Shetlands and we are here until Monday night when the next ferry leaves for Kirkwall in the Okneys. We have strolled around the town a bit. I now have a new pair of hand knitted gloves as the wind chill is a bit nippy. You don't see a lot off brass monkeys up here.

Commercial Street has all the bits you would expect to find as well as a lot of woollen knitwear shops. I think the big problem is going to be picking only one jumper to take home. So far we have narrowed it down to several thousand possibilities. Going well isn't it?

Getting the business part of the trip out of the way for the next few days, we have had a meeting with Leona from Zetnet and she has been really generous with both her time and information. Zetnet are the local ISP here in the Shetlands and they have been around for over 9 years. She explained to us their plans for setting up a wireless broadband network and covering nearly all the islands over the next 12 months. As classy an operation as you will find anywhere.

Jools and I are still wandering around Lerwick and have found a broch (round stone fort/farm - this style found only on the Shetlands) just opposite the local Safeway. It's called Clickimin Broch and it predates the Viking arrival in about 1000AD by 1000years. It's now sitting on the edge of a small loch and is surrounded on three sides by housing development. It once was surrounded by water and was accessed by a raised stone causeway.

We have found our accommodation, we are staying in a suburb(?) called Sound (how appropriate some of you will think. Next week we try and find Rock and Roll) and the view from the rooms is just great. Across a field down to a bay (Brei Wick), all very very nice. Anyway it has been a full day as usual so it's off to bed and you guessed it, time to collapse.

2003/09/27

Shopping, sessions, sheep and Shetland ponies.

Today is Saturday, named after Satur the patron saint of spending money and not wishing to offend local customs we are back in Commercial Street looking for a jumper. Shouldn't be too hard I hear you say. Well normally you would be right. Thatch and Jools walk into a jumper shop and sort of stand there and go ... mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine you get the idea.

No, today is more like a quest. Grant (one of Jools' brothers) gave us a sketch of a pattern he wants on a jumper and paid up cash in front. Bugger. So after finding 4,789,321 jumpers for either Jools or myself, Grant's score is nil. We have to find Grant's jumper so that we can then move onto selecting ours. There is always tomorrow.

Our next bright idea was to try the farmers market at Tingwall. After driving up and down all four cross roads we have come to the conclusion that they have all gone to the pub in Lerwick. A bit early for us, so we drive off into the west.

Scalloway is another of the pretty fishing villages. It used to be the seat of government but this has now moved to Lerwick (my guess ... more pubs in Lerwick) probably not long after Scalloway broke their castle. There will be a picture.

On down the road, in our usual stop start fashion. Around every corner is another "stop you in your tracks" view, seriously great looking countryside. Now it is worth putting in an aside here. We have been driving for an hour and seen 3 cars overtake us. Everyone is either sleeping in really really late or they are back in Lerwick shopping.

We found sheep (lots and lots and lots of sheep), Shetland ponies (go and find the photos in the photo section), scenery but no sandwich. No pub (well an inn but they weren't serving non guests), no cafe, no drinks. After driving all the way west to Sandness, which is as far west as we could go - we realise that we have obviously offended Satur and immediately turned around and dawdled ( the scenery runs in both directions) back to Lerwick.

On the way back we passed a sign which read "Scord of Brouster". So we went to see what it was. After climbing a very wet hill, we looked down onto the Scord. An ancient farm site lay below us in the fields. Excavated in the 1980's, it is only one site of many similar that may be found in the area.

Back at Lerwick we stop at the co-op. As recommended, good food but nothing fancy. We pull in to see about buying a sandwich. (Lunch is good). Now off to a pub for a drink to wash it all down. One of the locals had suggested earlier in the day that there might be an arvo session on at a bar called The Lounge. He was right. Upstairs into a smoky room the tunes were flowing freely, as were the drinks. An excellent session was underway. We chatted to one of the muso's when they were finished and it turned out that he had been cruising the Great Ocean Road last Christmas. Small world.

Finish drinking and head back to the B&B. We try and write some more of this file but collapse into bed. It has been a big day.

A footnote: If you are ever up this way, remember that Shetland Ponies observe road rules just about as well as sheep do. Just something you will need to know.

2003/09/28

Today we head south (The South) towards Scatness. Along the way are jaw dropping views and also some less pleasant scenes. It appears that there has been a lot of rain (and that's saying something for this end of the world). Anyway with the very dry weather that they had been experiencing all over the UK, the peat dried out and became resistant to soaking up water. When the heavier that normal rains came, the peat instead of acting like a sponge allowed the water to lay on the bedrock beneath and then the peat just slid off the mountain in vast landslides. The landslides washed away armco guard rails, parts of the road, sheep, sewerage and water pipes and caused a good deal of havoc. The repair crews are taking people along the damaged section of road in a convoy because there is a fear of further slippages but also the water has undermined the road.

Anyway we are now in Scatness sitting in the bar of the Sumburgh Hotel. I have to tell you this is how to conduct your archaeological investigations. Look out the window of the bar and there is Jarlshof. Jarlshof is a settlement site similar to Skara Brae in the Orkneys (see previous site for pictures) except that there have been dudes hanging here since 3000BC (one day the people at Skara Brae left ... I think they went to Disneyland). Skara Brae was abandoned for no body knows what reason but Jarlshof was continuously inhabited until the late 16th century, here there are Bronze age, Iron age, Norse and medieval ruins and the Lords of the Orkneys even had a house here in the 16th Century. Seriously you have to see this stuff to believe it. The icing on the cake is that we had the place to ourselves for over an hour. The couple who came were obviously on their way somewhere else because they didn't stay long.

The Hotel is doing a Sunday lunch but it's a bit early yet. There is another iron age fort on the tip of the peninsula across the bay, we are going to go and walk through the fields (and all the squishy things that implies) and then come back.

Lunch was glorious, roasted Shetland lamb (we checked it wasn't anyone we had photographed), in a lightly minted gravy, new potatoes (they were probably in the ground yesterday), and the bar serves COLD cokes AND Blackthorns (YAAAY kermit impersonation goes here).

Having put on a good deal of weight by osmosis (the lamb and the timings had nothing to do with it, no siree bob) we decided to find something else archaeological to do. A quick survey of the map and just up the road is St Ninians Isle (with no pub listed). That'll do. Off we go. While we are travelling, we also visit Scatness Broch, a fortified farmstead which dates back 2000 years to the iron age. The site is being excavated and right now most of the site is under plastic tarps held down with tyres. The small part that is accessible to the public is in spectacular condition (my nephews' toys should look so good after 2000 years, come to think of it, they should look this good after 20 minutes ... but I digress. One house has been discovered completely intact.

St Ninians Isle's main claim to fame is that the island is connected to the mainland by a narrow sandbar (called a tombolo). Back in the late 1950s a schoolboy found a bunch of Pictish silverwork there and caused a sensation. We saw copies in the Shetland museum and they are stunningly beautiful. There is a chapel on the island with layers below it that go back to the Iron Age. We didn't cross over to the island because the wind was a bit keen and we were feeling a need for a pint of good Blackthorn cider and some music.

Last piece of archeology for the day, Mousa broch. This is another of these fortified farms/forts and it is 40 feet tall. It was probably preserved by the fact that the archeologists couldn't get to it. It's on an island (Mousa) about a half mile off shore. There will be a picture of it on the pictures page somewhere.They don't run boat trips out to it this late in the season.

We are finally home again and writing up all the days doings. The wonderful Mrs Laurenson has just asked what time we want our fat fix (breakfast) and had a bit of a chat. As soon as I finish, it's off to bed and collapse time. Who knew being archaeological could be so exhausting.

2003/09/29

Nothing like waking up and discovering that it's washing day. So I am currently sitting in a service laundry in Lerwick doing the washing. Jools is out in the car wrangling code and listening to Runrig on the car CD. We are leaving the Shetlands on the ferry tonight at 6 which doesn't leave us much time to (da da da dum) find the jumper (said in portentous tones). Still it looks like the good weather is running out. (We both got a touch of sunburn yesterday) I just looked out the window and it is raining.

This moment in time is courtesy of the four and a half hour ferry ride to Kirkness on the Orkneys. The great jumper search has had some mixed results (I've got mine, Jools has got hers, brother Grant has dipped out). We have spent some more time wandering in Lerwick and you really should make the effort and visit. We never got to the north but there is always next time. And we will be back.

SQUEAMISH PEOPLE ALERT.

All squeamish people should skip the next paragraph, especially if you are eating lunch.

OK I have warned you ... This is gross ,ut one of the weird observations that you have when driving. You know how in Australia when you belt along a country road, you inevitably see a dead cat, a dead fox, the occasional dead marsupial. Well over here you get much more interesting and colourful roadkill like large seabirds, things that may or may not have been ferrets, sheep, hedgehogs and a technicolor array of god knows what else. Sorry, I just sort of noticed it.

OK let's welcome back the squeamish people. We are nearly at Kirkwall in Orkney. We were last here 3 years ago with Karen & Seona. It will be interesting to see if there are any changes. I especially want to talk to a publican in Kirkwall (stop it, you lot, this is a business trip).

We have docked and been disgorged from the bowels of the ship. No cabin this time as the trip was only about four and a half hours. We spent the trip sitting in the bar at the pointy end of the ship. There were only about seventy or so people on board so it wasn't really crowded. I like ferries, although I figure they could really be a nightmare if the sea was really big. One change about the ferries I have noticed is that there is a more noticeable security presence at the ports than last time we used them in 2000. Sad sign of the times.

We have arrived at the Polrudden Guest house and Linda (our host) has left a light on and a note on the door telling us which room is ours. Well it's after 11pm and time Jools and I collapsed, it has been a long day and ferries, it seems, make me sleepy.

2003/09/30

Woo Hoo. The sun is back (not that it ever rains on our holidays), it's a sunny morning here in Kirkwall and having had our fat fix it's off in search of antiquities. First St Magnus Cathedral in the centre of town. It's kind of hard to miss as it dominates the skyline. The streetscape is another of those film set jobs we discussed earlier. We wander around soaking it all up

Next is a trip to Rennibister Earth House. this is a gem. You go up a farm drive and park the car. Walkin the rest of the way, head around the back of the house and in between the outbuildings is a circular black wrought iron fence with one of the ever helpful information boards on the gate. The catch with this one folks is that it's down. Yep, in the middle of the enclosure is a hinged metal grate in the ground and a ladder leads down into the black. In keeping with the "authentic feel" there is no electric light. Now seeing as how I don't deal well with enclosed spaces (we can debate whether flat out panic is not dealing well, some other time), Jools will fill in the details of the experience as she was the one who climbed down the ladder.

Next we went in search off the Widfford Hill Chambered Tomb. Easy peasy, there it is on the side off the hill, how hard can this be? Well as we discovered, a lot harder than it looked. The approach from the main road was protected by electric fences and water filled ditches (allegedly for the livestock) So it looks as if we will have to sneak up on it from behind. A drive down the road, a quick left, up a slurry filled lane and then up the wiggly road to the top of the hill (we know it's the right hill; we've never let it out of our sight) and into the carpark. Ok looking good, there is a marked path out of the carpark and we're off.

"Be vewwy vewwy quiet. We're hunting antiquities".

Following an alleged path (the marks vanished after the second little white arrow) around the side of the hill, stopping every five minutes to check out the killer views, this goes downhill for a very long time. Through a gate marked with the Histerical Scotland logo, close the gate follow the alleged path a bit further and it vanishes. No kidding, one minute there's a path (by path we mean mud filled sheep track without heather as opposed to the asphalt strip with gutters and kerbs you lot are picturing) the next minute it vanishes. We have a look around, can't see anything that looks remotely promising and so we head back to the car, stopping every five minutes to check out the killer views, scenery runs in both directions ...

I have been informed that this blog currently has a G rating (how the hell did that happen? No wonder you can get this through your corporate net nannies) I will leave out the language that we dumped on Histerical Scotland's plan of protecting antiquities by stealth. If you can't find 'em, you can't wreck 'em.

Anyway undaunted by this minor setback we head down the road to check out the Cuween Hill Cairn. Gluttons for punishment aren't we? Now this looks better. We pull up in the car park and there on top of the hill in plain sight is the tomb. No smoke and mirrors here, straight up the hill and we are there. This one is a quiet gem. Next to the entrance is a wooden box with a sign that reads "Torch. Please return when finished". How long would a torch last in Yarra Park, let alone the wooden box? Once again Jools will tell you about the interior.

After all that exercise it's lunch time (actually it's way, way past lunch time) so we drive down to the harbour and see if we can find a pub. Do wild bears etc. Of course there's a pub. Our problem is which one? Hmmm calling on years of training and extending our Holmesian powers of deduction to their very limits, I use the usual process of elimination ... This one's closest, we'll go there.

And an hour or two later we are still there. Actually we had lunch here three years ago and the room has had a few changes. You can now get cold Cokes without having to order them to be put in the fridge hours in advance and the coffee machine at the end of the bar is new too and smells very good.

Jools has finished code wrangling so it's time for an upload. Other changes up here, internet access for example. Last time we found it seriously difficult to get access here in Orkney, this time, absolutely brilliant. If you find your way up here, go to
Support Training Ltd
2 West Tankerness Lane.
Kirkwall.
Thank you Mark, Kay and the rest of the team. Exceeded our expectations ... you had better believe it.

We have come back to the Queens Hotel for dinner (it turns out our deductive powers are better than we knew). The food is wonderful and after discovering that there is no way we can fit dessert in, it's time to go back, find our beds and collapse.

2003/10/01

Another sunny morning (see the fine print about rain and holidays). Another fat fix from Linda and off into the day. Jools found a leaflet about an archaeological site called Mines Howe. A leisurely drive through the Orkney countryside and we arrive. Hmmm it's out of season and it is closed. Bugger. But all is not lost. A phone number on the gate - this is one of those moments when you are glad you have a mobile phone and a cell. A quick chat with Doug the owner of the property and he can pop down and show us around after he has done something with his cows. After climbing around the tops of hills yesterday, sitting and waiting for half an hour in the Orkney countryside sounds wonderful, besides there is an old churchyard to explore while we wait.

In no time at all Doug drives up and you have never met anyone more enthusiastic about a dig. The short version of the story is that back in 1946 some dudes opened up this site. they dug down and found a strange three chambered structure that you reach by a really steep stone "ladder". It goes down over 20 feet below the summit of the mound and is a puzzle, as no-one can work out what it is for. The mound was closed again until in 1999, our man Doug decided to go looking for it (I'm willing to bet that alcohol figures in this part of the story somewhere) and eventually found it.

Now the site has been featured on the telly and there are teams from one of the uni's up each summer. They have started to check out the rest of the paddock and they have found evidence of a large metalworking operation and other bits going back to the Neolithic. There is another mound nearby which looks like it could be an even bigger find. Check out the website http://www.mineshowe.com (I haven't had a chance yet.) Doug told us that it was due for an upgrade in the next couple of months. Anyway the really amazing bit is that Jools sent me down first and before I had a moment to remember that I might be a claustrophobe, I went ...quite happily. So there you are, it's all psychiatrical.

A drive down the road and we find a sign pointing to a Gloup, now I ask you doesn't this set your mind heading off down a gyre and gimbal path. No? Hmmm must just be me. I'll move on ... a Gloup it turns out is a blowhole and this Gloup turns out to be a bloody big hole in the ground that used to be the ceiling of a seacave. Quite spectacular and the sound was amazing. I think there will be a picture over in the PICS section.

Lunch today is a cheese sandwich and a 'arf at the Murray Arms Hotel in St Margaret's Hope. It's a pretty place, it used to be a fishing village and these days I have no idea how it survives. It's a question that keeps forcing itself to the front of my brain, how do these cute places stay alive? I have just discovered that the best restaurant in Scotland is around the corner, it's called the Creel(?) but our budget won't stretch that far.

We are heading back toward Kirkwall and stop in at the Italian Chapel. There are a number of websites that cover the story behind this place, and it got a look in on our last trip, so look it up. I find it remarkable that this building just sits on a hillside minding it's business and doesn't get vandalised. Driving along the coast back past Kirkwall and through Scapa we found an 11th century Viking drinking hall (it's called a Bu), well actually those vikings really knew how to party because all that is left is the foundation. Personally I think they left because of the new neighbours (they built a church next door) so they had a blowout to end all blowouts. The bears would have fit right in (I wonder if they had invented single malts back then?)

.We have booked the car on the early ferry so it will be a bright and early start, you know, the kind you have on business trips. So now that we know when we are leaving it's time for a last quick trip to find some standing stones and other archaeological thingies.

First stop is the Standing Stones of Steness, we visited this site in 2000 and about the only change is that the area is full of grazing sheep this time. Ha! They may spoil our photos and the ground underfoot but we get the last laugh next Sunday. Over 3000 years old (the stones not the sheep) and no one has a clue as to why they are there.

Next is the Ring of Brodgar, looking very impressive in the fading afternoon light. Once again being late in the season we have the place nearly to ourselves. As you walk around the ring, looking at the stones and considering their size, the question keeps coming back. What the hell were they for? Now if you discount some of the more extreme theories at either end of the spectrum. My particular favourites are the wackos who claim that they are a natural formation caused by erosion, put there by God's hand and from the other extreme that they are landing pads for flying saucers. I do like that one too. Still, as I noted earlier, no one really knows. But they certainly are impressive.

Back to the Queens Hotel for tea and I am determined to crack it for the dessert tonight. I have my eye on a lemon steamed sponge pudding with custard. Oh god, the lasagne has arrived and it's the size of a standing stone. I'm doomed.

Back to the Guesthouse to organise an early fat fix (breakfast for those of you who came in late) with Linda and then upstairs to collapse into bed. Good night. By the way, the dessert was fabulous. I'm a blimp. Do holiday calories count the same as real calories?

2003/10/02

Oh God, it's 6:30am and it's still dark. Downstairs for brekky, bid Linda a fond farewell and off into the sunrise to catch the ferry. This will be the last ferry ride this trip and I have to tell you Northlink Ferries is one professional operation. The only fly in their otherwise slick ointment is the fact you have to showup an hour before departure and then just sit and wait, (I have just looked out the window and there's Scotland) everything else has been fantastic. From the emails before we left, to the phone booking and the staff in their various offices. I hope they can keep up the good work (and if they need some one to do the QA inspections Jools and I have our hands up).

OK 1 hour and 40mins on the ferry and WE'RE BACK IN SCOTLAND. NA NA NE NA NAH!!! Sorry.

The ferry spat us out in Scrabster and a quick drive down the road and we are in Thurso again. A pit stop at the photo shop (still there thankfully) pick up some more film for Jools' real camera and some petrol for the car (85p a litre, about $2,04 AUS) then we are off along the road that runs across the top of Scotland.

We are going to stay in Tongue (about halfway across the top of Scotland) in a B&B on top of the hill overlooking the Kyle of Tounge (it's a bay). It's run by Ellen and Kathleen and it is called Novan. We have been dutifully doing our market research (remember the business trip?) as we have been driving along and it seems to be going well.

The scenery as we have been driving along is to die for. I know why we keep coming back here, it is just so wonderful to see. As you approach Tongue the mountains start to occupy the skyline. Pretty damn awesome.

After wandering around Tongue a bit (there was an old ruin of a castle on the hill just across the the water. We are eating at the Ben Loyal Hotel, once again good food and Scrumpy Cider on tap, 70's Guitar bands on the house sound system (Who, Santana, Queen, you name it), it's warm (there seems to have been a mixup in the weather we ordered, it rained on us. We are waiting in the pub while the Weather people sort it out).

Earlier we checked our email at the Tounge Post Office/Coffee Shop/General Store, you gotta love it, they charged us more for the teas than the use of the computer. Thank you all for the kind comments and the outright slander (you know who you are ... Bland. Just for that I will have to send copies of the pictures of you and the Barbie Dolls in the spa to the Dept of Anonymous Denunciation).

Oh god, Focus (remember them) are playing in the background, and the day is nearly over, time to think about one last drink and heading back to our nice warm room over looking the Kyle of Tongue (I am sure Jools will put a picture up ) and collapse.

2003/10/03

The Weather people are no where near as efficient as NorthLink Ferries. The wind appears to have been blowing a gale all night and the morning is a bit grey and cloudy with (shock horror) rain on the windows. I am almost tempted to just sit in the pub all day until they sort it out BUT we must push on, sadly we only have a week left.

Later: The rain is pelting down. I've heard people talk of horizontal rain but never really seen it before, 10 minutes later there is a patch of blue sky. Let's face it you don't come to Scotland for a suntan, but this is amazing. There are just sheets of rain coming across the valley at us that leave distinct and regular patterns of wet and dry road. The wind is so strong that it's hard to open the car door. I really should call the Weather dudes again but this is the top of Scotland and mobile phone cells can be as rare as deer stags. Jools has decided she wants to see a "majestic deer stag with his antlers proud on the skyline" but I fear they all have contracts in TV shows and movies and no longer hang around up here as it is too wet.

Continuing across the top and down the top left hand bit of Scotland. We have been through Durness and Smoo (Smoo, isn't that just a fab name for a place?) We are starting to get into the serious looking scenery and the breaks between the rain are becoming longer.

The Elphin Tea Room was a great place for arvo tea although the decor was a bit scary. A lot of taxidermed animals on the walls. Sort of spooky in a Phar Lap sort of way. The home-made soup and roll was very yummy and surprisingly fat free (they'll throw them out of the STFA [Scottish Tourist Fattening Association] if they keep it up) but I'm sure the spiffy smelling home made baking would make up for it. We both resisted.

Just north of Ullapool is Loch Assynt and in the southern end of the loch are the ruins of Castle Ardvreck, very picturesque, sitting on a little island, you get the idea. We have been here twice before and driven past in the rain, after taking a photo or two. This time I promised myself that we would stop and try and go out and have a closer look. Well, everything ran to plan except for one tiny detail. Some one was doing restoration work on it and it was covered in scaffolding. We couldn't get to it. Oh well there's always next trip

All roads, there's one from The North and one from The South, lead to Ullapool and guess where Jools finds herself once again. I think that Jools will enjoy it this time though. Ardvreck Guest House is on the outskirts of Ullapool and overlooks Ullapool (I am sure there will be a photo).Iit's another toy village set on the edge of a loch, with the hills rolling down to it and it really is cute. The guest house is a ripper, we look straight out the window to the hills across the loch and behind the hills are the mountains. Way cool. Dinner and some Blackthorns at the Seaforth Pub down on the pier (Jools finally found a deer ... and ate it. It was delicious)

Back to the view, I mean the guesthouse and do some work on the business plan and then off to bed to collapse.

2003/10/04

There's snow on them thar hills, (actually the tops of the mountains behind the hills). The Weather dudes have now lost the plot completely, this morning as we looked out the window and there was a coating of snow on the mountains (I am sure we ordered sunshine ... I must check ... oops it looks like Jools asked for snow) anyway it looks great, cold but great. What a bonus.

Down to practicalities, it's wash day again, no coin laundrettes, so it's Service Wash time, we haven't had a lot of luck with this service. Fingers crossed. Off to appease the god Satur (you remember him from last week. The god of shopping) A stroll through the town and bugger me there's the Live Wolfstone Album and the New Runrig CD and there's the Old Blind Dog CD and quicker than you can say "Do you take VISA?" we have appeased Satur to the tune of 98 quid. But the car cd is about to get a work out. Pick up the washing and hit the road time.

We are heading south (that's down the map) towards Plockton and Skye tentatively but we are going along the coast where we can. This will take us through Gairloch and along Loch Maree then through Glen Torridon to the town of Torridon and then to Sheildaig. This is some of the prettiest country in Scotland and as we have already discussed at length they have some real beauts. Driving along, in every direction, the mountains look as though they have been dusted with sugar. (I have to do something about this obsession with food). The wind and rain catch up with us every now and then but in the breaks there are some breathtaking vistas.

Someone foolishly asked what gear we are using. (Yes I can see your eyes glazing over already) Well here is some of the crap we carry.

Equipment List

Thatch
Psion MC218 Palmtop. (Don't leave home without one) - Compaq Ipaq 3870 (Why 2 palmtops? Trust No-one) - Mobile Phone (no data link available) - Mavica FD95 Camera (once more around the world) - Sony CD Player (yes I know the car has one as well) - Sundry Memory sticks/Flash Memory and PCMCIA adaptors - PCMCIA WiFi Card - USB Bluetooth Adaptor - USB Flash Drive - Spare Blank CD's (last time it was spare blank floppies. How the times move along) - Spare blank floppies - Total weigh 3.9kgs and it all lives in my pack.

Jools
Sony VAIO TR1 subnotebook (this is the best toy we have got in recent times) loaded with XP Total weight 1.4kg - Olympus L3 Camera and lots of film (a real camera).

We also carry an Australian powerboard and extension lead and an AUS to British Powerplug. This way we just carry all the normal power leads and plug packs for our toys and don't have to struggle with 14 different adaptors.

Equipment to be added for the next trip, don't laugh. We want a GPS unit with a link for the PC/Palmtops (I can't believe we have actually found a use for one of those suckers.. Now you know what to buy us for Christmas).

Gairloch is in a pretty setting and well worth the effort to get there. The trip down along the length of Loch Maree was wonderful with the waters of the loch and it's tree covered islands in the foreground and the snow dusted mountains as a backdrop. By contrast the trip down Glen Torridon was a bit wild (single track road with passing places). The weather closed right in and once again the wind and rain came down in torrents but when we came out into the village of Torridon it cleared again and the mountains just sparkled. We will have to come back again, maybe a bit earlier in the season.

A bit further down the road is the turn off for Sheildaig and we have decided to stay here. The weather and the single track roads make it silly to go any further (besides this is great little village, we had lunch here in '96). The B&B is called (I am not making this up) Rivendell Guesthouse. Now I ask you, given the Ringpull Bearers quest, how could we stay anywhere else. Dinner is at the pub where the blog is currently being written up. Outside the window is Loch Sheildaig and in the dark I can just make out the small tree covered Sheildaig Island fading into the darkness. We are warm, well fed, enjoying a pint and there are a ton worse ways to spend a Saturday night. The locals are playing old Beatles, Bob Dylan and Joe Coker songs on the jukebox.

I think it's time to stop writing (typing?) now and go and watch the locals have a round of darts and maybe have a single malt or three before we roll home (2 doors up the street) and collapse in to bed.

2003/10/05

Awake in Sheildaig and we really will have to have a chat with the Weather Dudes. The wind and rain have died away but it's a bit grey out there. Time to get up and have today's fat fix (thank you for the debate about holiday calories-the vote is running 50/50, but I think the reality favours the argument all calories are bad bad bad calories). We sat and chatted with Marilyn (our host) about the internet, house extensions, running a Guest House/restaurant in the north west of Scotland that stays open all year and where the ceilidh music went.

Leaving Sheildaig and there is a road junction, one fork takes us to Loch Carron via Applecross and the other goes straight to Loch Carron and Plockton, so naturally we take the Applecross road. This would probably be a good time to tell you about SINGLE TRACK ROADS with PASSING PLACES.
Imagine say, your driveway, now you know how on the right you have the fence and on the left you have the rose bushes. OK got the width in your mind's eye ... good ... now add a car coming at you on the same stretch of driveway and "It's Welcome To The Highlands" time. No I am not kidding. But I did leave out the carefully concealed PASSING PLACES. These are where the Russian roulette component of everybodies nature kicks in. Every so often they whack in a place almost but not quite wide enough for TWO cars to pass. The Russian roulette bit is WHO gets there first and will they stop? If they don't, one of you is either going up a mountain or down the mountain or about to do a LOT of reversing. The other bit to note is that these are listed as A roads. B roads are skinnier and unpaved generally and C roads (which we haven't been tempted to traverse) must be unsign posted goat tracks (goats and sheep can't read). The first episode of Hamish Macbeth summed them up beautifully as THREE SHEEP ABREAST roads. I have always loved that. It's a lot of fun (in a sick sort of way) for the passenger to watch, but it really takes it out of a driver.
So the choice that Jools and I just made was, instead of driving 15 miles of nice normal dual carriageway or 28 miles of single track driving.You guessed it. We took the long one, you will find out why a bit later. I should also point out that nearly half of the travel we have done since arriving at Thurso has been on this kind of road.

The road to Applecross is a joy to watch as you have highland hills and mountains on one side and the lochs and sea and the islands on the other side. Pure heaven.

Bealach An Bra at the top of the world. Well not really it just seems like it. It's about 630M above sea level and the single track road wends up to the top and then there is this single track scary zigzag to the bottom. It is fabulous, on a clear day (cue the Barbara Streisand soundtrack ) you can see the SummerIisles, Skye, Harris and Lewis and behind you are a couple of spiffy mountains. Today was not a clear day (Kill the soundtrack). This road is closed in winter because it's not safe, Hmmm have they actually looked down this sucker, it is not safe at any time. It must be some new definition of the word safe. Fortunately there are passing places (not to be confused with stopping places which are marginally wider and less frequent) at each turn and you can take in some amazing views.

Once you finish with the zigzag bits you get to drive along one side of Loch Carron and then all the way down the other. More great scenery.

We sadly wont be stopping in Plockton or Kyle or crossing to Skye this time. They will have to wait for another day (this is a business trip).

The Dornie Pub for lunch and that castle again. Runrig on the sound system and the shinty team deconstructing their match at the bar (this must be Scotland). Across the road is Eileen Donan castle. The castle is allegedly the most photographed place in Scotland. So naturally we added a few more to it's head count. I am sure at least one of them will be in the PICS section.

Driving down to Fort William with the new Runrig CD playing, what a great sound track for the scenery. This is the same road the band would have used to drive down from Skye to the gigs in Edinburgh and Glasgow. Sorry, just a thought that popped into my brain.

Fort William is here because they needed to use up the postcode somewhere. No. Sorry that's Inverness. Fort William is a large regional centre (think Geelong but with a loch instead of Corio Bay and mountains. Fort William has a bunch of Victorian (era) hotels and is currently having a train spotters festival. Actually just up the road is Glen Coe and Ben Nevis and one of the major ski fields in Scotland. We assume there is snow up there we but we just can't see through the clouds. Damn Weather dudes.

Fort William offers a ton of B&B accommodation and deciding which one is the main problem. Ann (our host) has suggested we might try the Maryborough Inn to find a Net uplink but all we found was a great little bar (serving Blackthorns Cider) down under the High Street. In the middle of the bar is a well going down even further. The people at the Maryborough sent us down to another place that only had an Internet kiosk, handy but not a lot of use when you need to upload the amount of stuff we do. The weather is wet. Time to have tea and head back to the B&B to collapse once again.

2003/10/06

Good Morning from Fort William. The tea is drawing and I'm writing this report. The day outside the window is, I think what the the Weather Dudes call "unsettled". An interesting day to come, I pity the poor train spotters who are already out in the wind and the rain with their video and sound recording gear and of course their cameras. They may be geeks, but they are seriously well equipped ones.

We have hit the Yellow Pages (the paper one) to find an ISP who will help us do our uploads. David seemed to be amused by the request, but by the time we get to him the BT ADSL link had gone down (gee, it's just like home). While the vagaries of infrastructure sort themselves out we decide to go up the road and have a look at Aonach Mor.

We are literally halfway up a mountain, and it's freezing, the wind chill is minus lots. We are at 2100 ft which is where the gondola stops (c'mon you didn't think we were going to walk did you?) Drinking average coffee, but the view when the breaks in the clouds roll through, are spectacular. The cablecar ride up is a ripper; don't miss it if you ever get the chance. I know it's daggy, but wow. Now on to the "Make Thatch & Jools Look Sane" department, there are three guys who are going for a 3 day walk/climb through the mountains up here, they are going to start with a little stroll up to the top of this small mountain (another 1900ft) and then on across to the other higher peaks. They didn't seem to think it was even that cold ( the bears think it's cold and they've got fur coats). Jools will have a photo or two up I'm sure.

Back to David (you remember him) and we upload the 17M of the travelteddies website (hands up everyone who can remember when their website fitted into 5M). Then down the coast heading back to Edinburgh the long way (but not long enough).

We took a side trip to check out Kinlochleven at the end of Loch Leven and discovered another wonderful little village in another fabbo setting. Next trip we have decided to stay here for awhile.

Castle Stalker has been moved, well it hasn't actually, I just remembered it in a slightly different place. But it still looks amazing. The wind is strong enough to knock you off your feet!

Onto Oban and the sybaritic luxury offered by the Oban Caledonian Hotel. Either we have discovered The North Pole (like Pooh) or the Weather Dudes have pushed the really ugly button and called up a gale, which means amongst other things that the scenery has vanished into the wind and rain and if we keep driving, so might we. The ferries have all been called back to port, and the waves are crashing across the foreshore wall and hitting the shops on the otherside. Holing up in a ridiculously expensive hotel seems to make a lot of sense. Oooh, We have a spa bath. Soggy Fellowship coming up. Yes I know the whole point of staying in the hotel was to keep warm and dry but one out of two isn't bad and there's room service for drinks (this is a business trip after all).

Oh dear we went downstairs and have been writing and wrangling code and eating delicious apple pie and drinking single malts (Oban Tasting Notes: A Classic Malt - 14 year old, - 43 % alcohol - Amber colour - Peaty smokiness with a fruity nose - Aromatic, smooth sweet finish) and now it's time to work our way up the stairs to collapse once again in our bed. Good night.

2003/10/07

One of the other benefits of staying in the more upmarket accommodation is that the staff are prepared forlunatics armed with all types of electronic toys that need to connect to the outside world (frequently). So we didn't even have to go outside into the alleged weather last night to do our mail. They let me use the night staff's PC to log back into the Pretentia server. This is known in certain circles as the "Europa Scam".

On to today, we are sitting in the dining room of the hotel and the sun is streaming in through the window. The wind is dying down and it should be a reasonable day (fingers crossed). We can finally see across the harbour to the other side and it's very pretty. The ferries have all left, and there are all kinds of boats zipping about the place. Could it be that the Weather Dudes have finally got it right?

We are going to drive across Scotland, from Oban to South Queensferry. We have a meeting in Edinburgh early tomorrow morning and have decided to catch the train there again. It will be an early start in the morning (shudder).

We have just been diverted off the main road because of an accident, so remember the unsignposted goat tracks we talked about a day or two back? Well we (and the all the other Southbound traffic from the A84) have been diverted up the B9089 goat track (the bigger the mumber the narrower the road). We are scaring the hell out all the fisherfolk (and there seem to be a lot of them for a Tuesday Morning) in the Orchy river. To add a bit of spice to the whole deal, all the North Bound traffic has been diverted to the same goat track but going the other way. This is all very interesting and probably life threatening but Jools handles it all with flair and surprisingly little bad language when our no claim bonus is threatened.

We have stopped in Callendar for a bite to eat and an ice-cream (Orkney Ice Cream is really really good) and a bit of a stretch. We are working our way through the backroads and have been enjoying the snow dusted mountains but they are behind us now. They look so cool, the Weather Dudes have done well today.

It is 6pm and we are sitting in the bar of Hawes Inn in South Queensferry again, all nice and comfy. We are trying to decide what to have for dinner. The fish looks good. We have been chatting with Andy about the local area and the bridge, See Andy, we did write down "Visit Hopetoun House next visit to South Queensferry" and we'll let you know how the visit to the Royal Academy in London turned out. Oh and we visited the Thistle Chapel in St Giles as well.

Tomorrow we return to the bank to begin the ID process for opening a bank account in Scotland. We will try and talk to Oswalds (they register businesses) as well if there is time. It is probably time to head back upstairs, dinner was wonderful again. Better do all the sums one last time and make sure we have all the bits we need for the morning (probably should check the latest version of the business plan again too) then collapse into bed.

2003/10/08

I think I am getting a cold, bugger bugger bugger. Still that's what happens when you go walking around in a gale. We are catching the train into Edinburgh from South Queensferry for a meeting with Ian at the bank and then of to an Internet cafe in West Bow, Edinburgh to do the last major upload. I spoke to a really nice guy (Hi Gav) on the phone last night and he is going to give us a machine to do our stuff.

Bank business went well. The rest can be done through email and the web. Sad to say this is where the day starts to go pear shaped. Poohbear our main server (you're looking at it) has failed and for reasons that I can't work out at the moment, our redundant server hasn't kicked in. Time for Plan B. While we are over here John Noonan is looking after the shop back home. A quick mobile phone call pinpoints the power supply. This is good as there is a spare sitting six feet to the left of the server. John (our hero) rips the cover off Pooh Bear and confirms that the smoke has gotten out of the power supply (What do you mean that the warranty ran out? this server has only been running for seven years ... Bloody Pretentia 4000's). So while John is replacing the power supply Jools and I have to walk around Edinburgh (don't snigger... it's not my fault that the server snuffed it while we were in Edinburgh). Last night we were told to check out St Giles Cathedral on the Royal Mile. It's the one with the cute crown thingy on the top (No not the wedding cake thing down by the park... that's different). Last time we were here there was a scaffolding up there but today we can see the whole thing. We popped inside to check it out and no, the rain had nothing to do with it. It's been here for 900 years and inside is a glorious space with the most beautiful windows (Hey Tina , did your dad do any of this?). Down the back is a small chapel called the Thistle Chapel, This chapelis beautiful, if you are a fan of William Morris and The "Arts and Crafts Style" then you will love this room. It can't be more than 20ft by 40ft and was built by Robert Lorimer in the early 1900's. Dont miss this, it is a ripper.

John (and there will be a little something extra in the pay packet this week) has just phoned. The good news is that the server booted... the bad news is that the hard drive has been corrupted when the power supply failed. This is not good.

Ok. British Airways can't get us back to Oz any earlier than our current ticket. So there is no use belting back to London, but it is finally time to farewell Scotland. So we are going to head down as far as we can to near the Lakes District and stay there overnight.

Now while we have time lets talk about the worst word in the English langauge... MOTORWAY. Yes I know they are effective at what they do, but so are laxettes. It doesn't make the process any more pleasant. I honestly don't know how Jools can do it.

4 CD's Later. We are off the Bloody M6 and heading through the Lakes District along side Ullswater (there is a folksong about it ... only excuse I ever need). We have found a B&B right on the lake, view is as always wonderful. Still it has been an exhausting day, I still don't know why the redundant server hasn't kicked in so it's off to the Brackenrigg Inn for dinner and then back to our bed to collapse.

2003/10/09

The Weather Dudes have dialled up miserable, I don't know if that's an official Weather Dude term like sunny or rainy or cloudy but it should be. Not the most auspicious of mornings. We are driving down along Ullswater Lake and then up over Kirkstone Pass about 450M up and as near as we can figure they grow clouds and sheep in all of the little drywall fields we can barely see. Down to the ever cute Windemere, the rain gives it a glistening look, along side the lake down to Newby Bridge and then turn left and back to the M6.

OK here is how the next 6 hours goes.

Drive down the M6

Drive down the M6 (Are we there yet)

Drive down the M6 (Are we there yet) Rain Optional

Drive down the M6 (Are we there yet)

Stop at roadside services for coffee break and toilet break (NOT in that order)

Drive down the M6 (Are we there yet)

Stop at roadside services for coffee break and toilet break (NOT in that order)

Drive down the M6 (Are we there yet)

Get off the MOTORWAY because we can't stand it anymore. There is an exit that will take us down to Oxford (Why Oxford I hear you ask. We know there are pubs there) sort of following the Oxford Canal. It's great to be back in dawdle mode ... We found the canal, we found a pub, the weather dudes have come through with some sunshine. No accommodation. After a reviving smackeral we head a bit closer to Oxford. Now a close look at the map reveals a place called The Trout Inn sitting on the river Thames or Isis as it is called in Oxford, in a place called Wolvercote. Looks good. Let's see if we can find it.

Oxford is surrounded by some serious roundabouts, modern day earthworks to repel attack? So after negotiating the roundabouts, its follow the wiggly road, over the train bridge, past the common, across the canal, around the corner and OH MY GOD it's mine. Did you ever walk along a street as a kid and "bags" houses, well this one's mine. This is perfect, Lewis Carrol drank here, it's the Prancing Pony in Bree, it's a Morse and Lewis sharing a pint of the best ... It's mine. I found it and I'm keeping it. Mine, mine, mine. Ooops there is a small glitch, no accommodation. Food? Check. Booze? Check. A room, No. But the staff recommend a B&B called The Chestnuts back on the Oxford road. So it's back over the canal, past the common, over the railway bridge, back up the wiggly road, turn right at the ramparts and there is the B&B. Quickly scamper inside, book a room (a very nice room) and then back to the roundabout to follow the wiggly road, over the train bridge, past the common, across the canal, around the corner and into the bar for a cider. This is it (there may or may not be piccies as it was getting late.) There are tables outside on the terrace next to the river where we ended up sitting. We are mugged by peacocks and ducks for food (makes a change from seagulls and pigeons). Do not miss this place.

So after a good meal and some samples of the landlord's finest it's back to the B&B to collapse into bed. Jools has said we can come back tomorrow and get a picture or two. Woo Hoo, let's make it lunchtime.

2003/10/10

Well this is it folks, the penultimate blog entry. Today we face the horrors of the MOTORWAY, no wait, that's wrong. Today we face the horrors of the (da da da doom) THE PLANE TRIP HOME. There will be an hour on the M4 but that's a stroll in the park compared to over 24 hours in a plane. Still, that's not until 9pm tonight, so let's fill up the last day with a trip into Oxford. But before we do that it's repack the bags day. We have to put all the "pointy objects" like my Swiss Army knife, my spare network adaptors and an assortment of other crap into the bag that we check in. Everything was fully charged overnight. Laptops Palmtops, phones and CD Player because there aren't any power points in the cheap seats on the plane.

We decide to give Oxford the quick once over and Mary (our host at The Chestnuts) suggests a Guide Friday Bus Tour. Now Jools and I have used these Guide Friday Buses before in Ireland and Scotland and have always found them to be a pretty good way to find out where they put things in a town before you start walking around and getting lost. So we catch a regular bus into the centre of Oxford and then get on the tour bus.

The best thing about the tour bus is usually the guide and our guide for this trip, Tony didn't disappoint. He was genuinely in love with Oxford and was a student at one of the colleges to boot (he is going to be a maths teacher). So as we drove around on the open top bus, the Weather Dudes (sensing their last chance to get us back for the bad press we have been giving them) unleashed the heavens. It began gently enough but then absolutely pelted down. Which was a real pity because Jools and I were falling under it's spell. We were driving past buildings we had seen on the Morse series or read about (the Bate collection of early musical instruments for example), but the weather beat us. We decided to cut our losses and head back to get the car. We are going to come back though and stay for a lot longer than the "5 minutes" we had this time.

It's nearly Lunch time so we return to the Trout Inn. This place looks so much better in the daylight. It's a rabbit warren of rooms and there is a log fire burning in the fireplace. Oh yes, lets sit here and get warm and dry ... forever. I mean, just over the river is an island that is haunted and J.R.R Tolkien is buried across the way in the Wolvercote Cemetery. The pub was used in a Morse episode called The Wolvercote Tongue. There are ducks sheltering under the tables outside. I could get used to this and even the Weather Dudes have decided to give us a glimmer of sunlight.

Leaving Oxford is a bit of a drag, probably last day blues. I have looked at the map and can see a way of staying off the M4 for as long as possible, so of we go and the very first piece is a single track toll bridge with an attendant and it costs 5p to cross. I can't believe it it a 5p toll bridge. This country is amazing. We have to come back. After a serendipitous Wrong turn we manage to stay off the M4 for another hour or so and drive through the barley fields? and little villages.

But inevitably the Motorway gets us and it's off to give back the car, book our bags in and if everything goes to plan, a quick train ride to London and back. But the gods are conspiring to keep us away from London. The car bit goes reasonably well once we find the turn off to the Car Rental Returns area. (Never go to Heathrow late on a Friday afternoon). We catch the free bus back to the terminal and they won't accept our luggage. That's right we are too early. These are the people who want you to show up 2-3 hours before you go anywhere, show up any earlier and you get to stand in a pre-queue queue that is being formed until they are ready for you.

So we end up hanging around in Heathrow. Eventually we are admitted to the inner sanctum and Jools heads off in search of the Past lives shop for some last minute purchases. but they've stolen the Past Lives shop. It is not listed in the airport directory, but it is on the Past Lives website. Jools will send them a terse little note complaining about this ommission.

The Plane Trip Back: eat, watch a movie, try to sleep, repeat. We have a stop over in Singapore for about 90 minutes. We wander around, stretch, try to find a cold coke, almost (but not quite) buy a laptop, go outside to check out the cactus roof garden but the humidity is unbearable (they pipe misted water over the whole area), get back on plane and eat, watch a movie, try to sleep, repeat ad naseum.

The plane lands at Tullamarine at a few minutes after 5am. We're Back.

Hi, it's Jools here. I have not been idle during this trip, I have edited Thatch's little missives as we travelled and added bits he missed. We have been back since Sunday morning and I don't remember ever being so entirely dysfunctional in my life. My role on the trip has been to drive, to slow down at every B&B sign that we passed so that Thatch could take down the details, to not get us run off the road or back ended and to find non lethal places to stop so that we could take photos. I have taken lots of photos myself, mainly slides, but they will take a few weeks to come back from processing. Meanwhile see if you can work out which of the digital ones I took. I also selected and processed the photos for the website and wrote it. Not a bad effort. I had planned to write too while we were away, but I found that after my first journal entry, I couldn't fit in everything.

I can't pretend to be overjoyed at being back, the trip was short but we managed to pack in a lot of sight seeing despite the business aspects of the trip. I find it hard to believe that we have just spent 3 weeks touring. But there it is, over until the next trip and we both learnt a lot from this one.

The islands and Scotland were for me the best part of the trip. My only regret is that I still have not seen the Northern Lights. While we were staying anywhere above Edinburgh, I would wake up several times each night to check out the sky. Most nights were overcast though. The people that I spoke to about it told me that it really is a matter of chance and that the best time was in the very early hours of the mornings.

But I did get snow. Not much it is true, and none where we could make snow balls, sadly. Still the pleasure of waking up to snow on the hills was unexpected and a delight. The landscape was breathtaking in its splendor with or without the white stuff. Driving down the only road through the highlands of Scotland, I can remember watching the clouds sink and darken. We drove through rain blown sideways by the wind, watched vast grey sheets of rain that streched away down the valleys as far as you could wach them, drove through sleet and hail that made the single track road as slippery as driving on ice, but I told Thatch that it had my permission to snow. In retrospect I am glad the snow didn't make it down as far as sea level because while the car was nice and toasty, the conditions otside the car were already less than fair and my riding boots were just not cut out for the job.

We met some really wonderful people during this trip and I wish that we had more time to spend just talking. Must learn to make do with less sleep. We met people who had so much local knowledge that we could have stayed in areas for ages without learning even a fraction of what they could teach us.

This being the third trip we did have a fairly good idea of what we wanted to see. Thatch had the itinerary in hand and we altered it as detours and side roads presented themselves. As Thatch has pointed out we spent time during the beginning and end of the trip on the Motorways and despite the fact that you can't see very much while on them, the fact that you can get places quickly and without effort was for me a boon. It meant that all I had to do was concentrate on driving very fast in a straight line. The drivers on the whole are very polite and trucks in the main, stay in the left hand lane. Truck drags are very rare. (A truck drag is when you have all available lanes occupied by slow moving trucks trying to overtake each other while traffic is held up behind, waiting for them to reposition themselves, this happens on Melbourne roads all of the time.)

Since I had not really expected to get in very much sightseeing this trip, I was delighted by how much we did get to see. Much remains and when we return in a few years time, we plan to spend time in Edinburgh and oxford. These two cities offer so many photo opportunities that it is dizzying just to think about it.

Autumn is an ideal time to travel, fewer people vying to see the same things at the same time as you, foliage turning to shades of red, yellow and brown, weather ranging from mild to wild, but at the same time many places have closed. Again our thoughts turn to moving over there. This is not high on the agenda at the moment, but it has come up in conversation quite a few times.

Hope that the website gives you pleasure. it certainly represents the trip fairly well. Jools

Epilogue - The Return

Well Guys, it's over, it was fun, it was expensive and it was educational. The business plan (it really was a business trip) has to get a savage reworking.

But what I hear you ask of "The Quest" ... err well, you see it's like this.
We avoided the dreaded Nazgoats and Nazcoos, (we had to, they were in the middle of the road. It was either them or the No Claim Bonus), outwitted Goddamn (as in there's that goddam cat again, I'm sure he's following us), did battle with the Baldog (fighting over who would get the comfy end of the couch with an Inspector Rex look alike), Outwitted Dark Riders disguised as chocolate brown sheep (but there were nine of them), traveled up snow covered mountains (in an enchanting cable car gondola), traveled over lochs (the truth be told, there was the odd bridge and causeway involved), forded mighty rivers (see above but we were driving a Ford Focus), saw strange and wondrous sites (we love archeological sites), and found our way at last to Ben Down to throw the dread Ringpull thingy to it's doom.
When we reached Ben Down the bearer said, and I quote "I thought you had it? I haven't got any pockets".
"You're the RingPull Bearer. This means that you have to carry it" we patiently explained.
"Oh! I thought it was just some poor joke, what with me being a bear and all" said the bearer.
"Well, when was the last time you saw it. On the plane coming back?"
"No" said after some feet shuffling and head scratching.
"In England?" said in brightly hopeful tones.
"No: said after some more feet shuffling and head scratching.
"OK then, how about the Lakes District?" said with a tad less optimism.
"No" said after even more feet shuffling and head scratching.
"Somewhere in Scotland, perhaps?" Beginning to detect a theme in the responses.
"Hmmmm... let me see. Ahhh... No" said with a slight air of embarrassment.
"Ok. Ok ahm How about on the islands" desperation colouring confidence here.
"Ooh,Ooh... well actually NO" said with a distinct air of embarrassment.
"OK. I get it. You don't know, do you?" Finally seeing the light.
"Ahh.. well.. you see, it's like this... actually... NO" said the RingPull bearer.

So after some emptying of packs, bags, wallets (already empty, trust me), pockets and finding only old Mars Bar and butterscotch wrappers it turns out that
We had left it behind. Go figure.

So you know what that means, don't you? Yep (I can see the people down the front have worked it out).
We have to do it all again. (Thunderous applause from the crowd). Fellowship of the Fur - The Rerun.
I mean if Peter Jackson can get two sequels out of his quest, we should be able to squeak through at least one more.
So until next time, here is one last photo. The Return of The King.

We met wonderful people, saw mountains, lochs, snow, antiquities, Wensleydales and Yorkshire Blues (we aren't sure if they're sheep or cheeses), drove nearly 2000 miles (which is about 100 miles a day) and generally drove ourselves into the ground. Who knew business trips could be so exhausting?

The Thank You Bit

Philip & Keith (Once again we owe you, big time. We look forward to your visit next year so that we can repay you.)
The people at Hertz (yes they charged us a lot but they did replace the car in less than 6 hours.)
The people at Hawes Inn - South Queensferry (http://www.innkeeperslodge.com/lodgedetail_directions.asp?lodgeID=53). They took us in late at night, and fed us.
Ian Kirkwood. You haven't heard the last of us. Thanks for the support.
Northlink Ferries (http://www.northlinkferries.co.uk/). Don't ever miss a chance to use them.
Leona @ Zetnet (http://www.zetnet.com/). Good luck with the world domination.
Mark & the team @ Support Training Ltd in Kirkwall & Lerwick (http://www.support-training.co.uk/).
David Powell @ Hotscot Technology (http://www.hotscot.net/). Way beyond the call.
The staff @ The Oban Caledonian Hotel (http://www.freedomglen.co.uk/oban_/fg_o_001.asp/). Thanks for the extra doona.
David (and the bar dudes) @ The Trout Inn - Wolvercote (http://members.lycos.co.uk/troutinn/mainindex.htm)
All the people in knitwear shops between Lerwick and Edinburgh who assisted in the unsuccessful search to find "that" jumper for brother Grant. And to everyone else we met along the way, there are just too many to thank individually. We thank you all and look forward to seeing you again next time.